Love, Obsession, Addiction
By Summer
Love is the opposite of hatred.
It fights chaos with its affection.
For me it became an obsession.
And I question what an addiction is.
Is it something that makes me live,
Something I wake up every morning for,
Even though chaos is happening outside my front door?
I live to love more
I live to get love,
I want love, and I won't stop till' I get it
But sometimes I wear it out until I can't fit it
Love is an obsession,
but can it turn into an addiction?
Now that's the question.
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I really don't know what to add. What really caught my attention though was that the rhythm was sort of off and that the "Love is sacred." line should probably get taken out. It's just a cliche and doesn't really add to the poem. Plus it really throws the rhythm off.
Other than that I really liked it. Keep writing!
Hey Summer!
Well the first thing I thought was that it /does/ sound like jumbled thoughts ;P
The rhythm...I don't know, it's not too terrible but it could use a bit of work. I would throw out the 'love is sacred' line--I've heard that said way too much --it doesn't really add much to the poem, and it just ruins the flow.
As for the theme, well let's face it...love is cliche and /way/ overdone/..and that doesn't mean you can't write about it, but when dealing with them you want to add a new idea, present it in a unique way using metaphors, imagery, and all that good stuff, etc.
I like this, you should play around with it. It seems to me like the narrator is 'in love with love' not necessarily in love with anybody--I think that in itself is much more interesting --you should expand on that without being too repetitive.
The second line here sounds forced. It doesn't make sense to me, I would scrap this altogether or rewrite it.
All in all, not your best work. I'll be honest, I don't like the concept of it...
To like someone, you're physically attracted to them
To love someone, you care for them.
in love, well that's the intangible feeling one 'should' feel for their future spouses.
What you're describing here is lust. I think love is contagious. Just not necessarily addicting to the degree you're describing --imagine being addicted to caring for someone? It doesn't make sense. I see how it can be an obsession, but not an addiction --that's lust.
Anyway, that's how I view it. You may view it differently, in fact -- a lot of people do and that's why love is great to write and read about because we have all these different perceptions of it, but I'm just trying to explain why the poem didn't make sense to /me/ and why /I/ didn't like it.
It was a good try and I can see that you've put some effort in this and the train of thought you've gone through. I think it's got a lot of potential, there are some lines here and there that I liked. I hope my comment doesn't discourage you from this, it's a lot tougher than I usually critique --only intentions were to help